A son's story

Xavier’s* Story

Xavier turns 18 in November.

The avid basketballer and chemical processing student recalls growing up in a happy family during his earlier years: “I was really close to my dad,” he says, “He would hang out and play football with me. But then… I can’t remember how old I was, everything started to change.”

Xavier and his younger siblings never knew that their father was addicted to drugs, although concerned strangers would occasionally show up at their home asking after his whereabouts. Sometimes, Xavier’s father would be escorted home late at night by a friend and immediately seclude himself in his room.

“I just thought my dad was a bit weird,” he says, “When I was younger, I didn't really understand what was going on.”

Things took a turn after Xavier’s parents separated and his mum moved out. In the leadup to the split, he remembers hiding in his room and crying while his parents shouted at each other.

His grades dipped and he began acting out, storming out of classes and staying late after school to play sports with friends: “Home was just a place to sleep.”

Concerned that Xavier would follow in his footsteps, Xavier’s father grew increasingly hard on him at home. “Caning was always the solution, my dad would just cane me,” Xavier says, “Sometimes I understood I’d done something wrong, but other times I wouldn’t know what I did. I just wanted it to stop.”

Xavier was never told what “walking the same path” as his father meant. Confused and hurt, physical violence soon became his default mode of conflict resolution.

“It was a big problem, even small things would get me very angry very fast,” he says, “At home, I would hit someone or punch something.”

A school counsellor quickly stepped in to teach Xavier self-soothing techniques, while his father made more of an effort to repair their bond. “He even promised to celebrate my 12th birthday with me, which we hadn’t done in a while,” Xavier says.

But his father never showed up. Instead, he was arrested for a drug-related offence, leaving Xavier devastated. The broken promise hurt Xavier deeply but took a backseat to the family’s collective shock at his father’s arrest.

When Xavier received the news, he wondered what his father had done to end up in jail. It wasn’t until after Xavier’s father was released that his drug abuse would be addressed openly for the first time.

“I was sad he missed my birthday even though I wasn’t close to him anymore,” Xavier says. Two days after, he received his PSLE results. “I cried in my mum’s car on result collection day,” he recalls, “My mum asked me what was wrong because my grades were ok, and I told her, ‘I wanted dad to see my results.’”

While his father has been in recovery since, Xavier still fears reaching out to him for help in case he incurs his wrath again: “Whatever problems I have, I try to settle it myself.”

Making A Mark

For Xavier, his PSLE results was truly a moment to celebrate. He had overcome the odds to pass the exam, despite having to deal with his parents’ separation, and losing interest in his studies. Yet, instead of feeling joyful, he shed tears of sadness.

*Not victim’s real name.